our first five weeks

I often hesitate to share too much because the situation is so delicate, and her story is hers to tell, not mine. But I also know that watching fellow friends and family enter the world of adoption and foster care made it so real for me. Those families became relatable and they pushed me to begin praying that the Lord would equip ours and make this journey possible if that was His will. And here we are, it’s exactly where He wants us to be. Though there are nights when it’s hard to fall asleep because my heart is so heavy for hers, there are nights I feel so full of gratitude because she’s more than I could have ever imagined.

Each time we’ve brought one of our babies into the world I have said that the only way to explain the new and complete love we have for them is that we grow another heart. It’s silly but it really feels that way. We have nine whole months to think about and imagine them, and then they arrive... we have everything they need and we are full of complete adoration. And then there’s foster care. She came in as a stranger... with so many things for all of us to learn. And she didn’t know what she was in for either. We are having to learn her likes and dislikes, hurts and fears, things that make her laugh and what she likes to eat, but there is so much of her nine years of life that we never will know. But from the very first day of her arriving here, yet another heart has begun to grow.

I’ve felt my heart grow time and time again; as she started calling Eleanor sissy and when we heard the two of them whisper I love you’s right before they’ve drifted off to sleep. Or as we have laughed hysterically together at the silliest things. We have grown to love her more while watching her love for family dance parties and as she has really truly come to love Everett even though she was very unsure of the baby stage before. But then the hard things bring us closer too. I have felt the weight of her words as she’s called me various names from Ms. Allyson, to “hey foster mom!” and then when she’s asked to call me “mama” and “mommy.” I felt immense love and heartache as I’ve held her as she cries. There are moments that have been so hard, and yet so much love covers it all. I told Zach during the second week she was here, “I was prepared to love her like our own, but I’m not sure I was prepared to have her love us like we are hers too.” 

Foster care is so complex, and challenging, yet even more rewarding. It’s full of so much contradiction; we love her like she’s our own and grow closer to her every day, all while knowing reunification is the end goal. There are so many unknowns but isn't that also the beauty of redemption? We do know that only because of Christ we have hope that the broken will be made whole and that the hurts may heal. Even though I may not know how this story ends, I am confident that He will write it better than I ever could. 

As we dedicated our other kids to Him, I continually have to give this sweet girl to Him too. We can’t call her our own, but she IS a daughter of The King. I have to offer her up to Him daily and ask Him to carry us through this process day by day. Some days are harder than others, but I’m so thankful for a Father who doesn’t leave us alone to do His work. I am thankful for His provision, and for His love that covers all. It’s hard to even believe it’s only been five weeks since our journey with her began.

I believe this whole foster care thing is all about planting seeds. It is simply letting the love that the Lord has given to us overflow into her life. My greatest prayer is that one day she will truly know Him, and also that this journey will bring our kids to a place of knowing Him even more. 

I heard this once: the most common thing I hear people say is, “oh I could never do that, I would get way too attached.” But every child deserves to be loved that way. 

#thisisfostercare

photo by: www.kmg-photos.com