Birthdays.

It’s the night before a birthday in our home and I usually spend it feeling emotional, while perusing through old photos and videos. I laugh and reminisce, and sit in disbelief that time can truly be passing so quickly and that my once squishy babies can be getting so big. But tonight isn’t the same.

Tonight I lay here with so many questions and feeling more emotions than I expected. Tonight I sit and wonder if her mother is laying awake, thinking about this very night ten years ago. I feel deep down inside like she must be thinking of her girl, who is sleeping peacefully down the hall from me. She’s supposed to be the one who sets out her birthday outfit before bed... who is taking ice cream cups to her friends at school and planning her birthday dinner and dessert. My heart breaks. For both of them, truly. And I fill the gap because that’s what this is. The whole idea of foster care is so chalked up to be more complicated and scary than it really is. But I’m just a mom, loving a girl who needs me. Being here for a mama who can’t. Celebrating her 10th birthday the same way I would if I would have birthed her myself, because she matters and tomorrow is a special day. Not to say that it’s isnt hard at times, because it is. And it’s scary because man, we really love her. Each one of these milestones and experiences only knits us closer. There are some really hard days where attitudes are wonky and communication is slim... and then there are days when she hugs me so tightly in return and laughs so hard. Days where Emerson hugs her over and over and I overhear him tell her he loves her and that she’s beautiful. Days where she and Eleanor play flawlessly and giggle over all the “girl things.” Days that she and Eli skate and laugh and tell ridiculous jokes while dancing to Michael Jackson together. There are moments that she calls me mommy and my heart grows even more.

Our situation is  different than many other cases, especially at almost six months in. But regardless of  the details and how different it is, the base story is the same. We’re just a family that said yes, we have a little extra room in our home and in our hearts. Still, so many conflicting feelings come with this journey and tonight is no different. Joyful and brokenhearted. Eager and leery. 

I have been jotting down notes for a team meeting that will take place in a couple days. I’ll have a moment to fill everyone in on how she is and how things are going. Some big conversations will happen and we will move forward with some decisions which will also be pending on circumstances out side of our control. But as I began to think of the last five months I started to realize the progress that we’ve made. I remember telling Zach shortly after she moved in that it made me sad that she seemed so empy, she was just missing joy. But sometime in these last months she’s changed. She’s thriving.

She went on her first plane ride

Put her feet in the ocean for the first time

Completed a season of Upward cheerleading

Lost 3 teeth

Went on her first camping trip

Learned to roller skate

Saw Disney on Ice

Is making leaps and bounds in school

Asked Jesus into her heart ❤️

Celebrated her 10th birthday with friends.

It’s been a really full, challenging, and beautiful 5+ months.

She’s joyful. And now she’s 10.

I don’t know what the future holds but I’m so thankful I know who holds it.