And just when we think we have it all figured out...
There are arts and craft supplies surrounding me. I'm sitting next to a mountain of yarn and Eli's lion is on my other side. It's silent for what seems to be the first time today. Eli's asleep and Zach's on his way home from an away football game.
My heart is so heavy, what's new? ;) It seems that there is always something that's really burdening my heart. However, this time it's huge. Whew, there are already tears... the Lord is really working on me.
Last night, Zach and I went on a date (Thank you Erin aka Aunt E!). We looked at each other in relief from across the table. Someone else made the delicious food, someone else was watching the baby, someone else would do the dishes. We finally had time to just talk. "You know what I've been thinking about and hearing about over and over and over again this week?" he asked me... "Adoption." My stomach sunk..... Really? He began telling me about his week and the things he has heard on AFR (American Family Radio) and his dreams and wishes for our family and our future.
Ironic? No, God works that way. So, this is where my heart and mind have been this week:
-If you looked at my Google history, you would find "Adoption Agencies in Mobile, AL," "Steven Curtis Chapman Adoption Information," "Alabama Adoption Laws." The list goes on and on.
-Last week this blog post came up in my news feed. It's about a little boy in Haiti who desperately needs a loving family. It brought me to tears. Heart Wrenching for sure. I've been praying for Moses.
-Katie Davis, who's blog is here, has been on my heart especially, lately. She comes to mind often and I pray for her regularly. Her book just came out and I've been meaning to order it. Her heart for adoption resonates with me.
-I've been watching Eli, his funny personality, his giggles and slobber that consumes a conversation; this family is so full of love. More love than we could ever possibly keep to ourselves. When I look at him, I haven't been able to help thinking of the kind of sibling he'll be one day.
-Then tonight, Amanda came over, she brought me Katie's book, "Kisses from Katie." She had no idea that I've been thinking about it all week. I couldn't even tell her, I think I would have cried.
But, adoption, am I crazy? The world would say, YES ALLYSON, you ARE. You're 21. You're still technically a newly wed to some, and you have a baby. You're crazy!!!
I have known, for a very long time, that God has designed my heart with a deep ability to love children that will come not only from me, but that will be brought to me. I've known that and been one hundred percent comfortable with that for a long time. It's something that Zach and I talked about from the very beginning of our relationship. However, I haven't ever really put much thought into it as far as detail, the time, place, or how... until lately.
It's pretty apparent that Zach and I don't live, or plan to live, that stereotypical, cookie cutter American-Dream life. I've always said I feel called to something so far beyond that life... a life of service and love; one of family. The stuff doesn't matter, it's the people who count. With that said, I need to learn to hand over the task of creating my own timelines. We're taught to do that, though; to create our own. "I'll get married after college, then get pregnant after two years, have another baby two years later, etc, etc." But when do we ask God what His plan is through it all? It's always "when I have enough money," or "when we feel ready enough for the task." We have it so wrong. We need to begin asking HIM what his plan is instead of being completely shocked when his plan comes into play. "But what happened to mine??" Imagine how much would be accomplished through us if we were on his agenda and not our own.
Tonight I rocked Eli to sleep in his chair. He was sound asleep, but I just couldn't put him down. I stared into his sweet, innocent face and I felt God clearly telling me that he is making a place. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that he is making a place for a child to come into our lives. When? I don't know when, I don't know who, and I certainly don't know how, but I do know that as of now I am faithfully praying for this child. As I stared at Eli, questions flooded my mind. If this child is even born yet, and if so, who is holding him or her right now? Who is kissing their boo boo's and wiping their tears? Who is telling them they love them until I get the chance to? Why is all this hitting me now? How is it that God is putting an overwhelming love in my heart for a child that I know nothing about? A love for a child that may not even be born yet, or who may be born years from now.
I'll never understand his ways. I'll never understand how he can accomplish the greatest things through those who seem to be the weakest, or who seem to be in the weakest circumstances, but I know that he is an all powerful God who has a greater plan than we could ever imagine. After all, it's his life and not my own. I am beginning a journey of prayer. Intense, purposeful, disciplined prayer. I believe that he has great plans for our family, and I know he has created us with more love than we can handle for a specific reason.
My heart is so heavy, what's new? ;) It seems that there is always something that's really burdening my heart. However, this time it's huge. Whew, there are already tears... the Lord is really working on me.
Last night, Zach and I went on a date (Thank you Erin aka Aunt E!). We looked at each other in relief from across the table. Someone else made the delicious food, someone else was watching the baby, someone else would do the dishes. We finally had time to just talk. "You know what I've been thinking about and hearing about over and over and over again this week?" he asked me... "Adoption." My stomach sunk..... Really? He began telling me about his week and the things he has heard on AFR (American Family Radio) and his dreams and wishes for our family and our future.
Ironic? No, God works that way. So, this is where my heart and mind have been this week:
-If you looked at my Google history, you would find "Adoption Agencies in Mobile, AL," "Steven Curtis Chapman Adoption Information," "Alabama Adoption Laws." The list goes on and on.
-Last week this blog post came up in my news feed. It's about a little boy in Haiti who desperately needs a loving family. It brought me to tears. Heart Wrenching for sure. I've been praying for Moses.
-Katie Davis, who's blog is here, has been on my heart especially, lately. She comes to mind often and I pray for her regularly. Her book just came out and I've been meaning to order it. Her heart for adoption resonates with me.
-I've been watching Eli, his funny personality, his giggles and slobber that consumes a conversation; this family is so full of love. More love than we could ever possibly keep to ourselves. When I look at him, I haven't been able to help thinking of the kind of sibling he'll be one day.
-Then tonight, Amanda came over, she brought me Katie's book, "Kisses from Katie." She had no idea that I've been thinking about it all week. I couldn't even tell her, I think I would have cried.
But, adoption, am I crazy? The world would say, YES ALLYSON, you ARE. You're 21. You're still technically a newly wed to some, and you have a baby. You're crazy!!!
I have known, for a very long time, that God has designed my heart with a deep ability to love children that will come not only from me, but that will be brought to me. I've known that and been one hundred percent comfortable with that for a long time. It's something that Zach and I talked about from the very beginning of our relationship. However, I haven't ever really put much thought into it as far as detail, the time, place, or how... until lately.
It's pretty apparent that Zach and I don't live, or plan to live, that stereotypical, cookie cutter American-Dream life. I've always said I feel called to something so far beyond that life... a life of service and love; one of family. The stuff doesn't matter, it's the people who count. With that said, I need to learn to hand over the task of creating my own timelines. We're taught to do that, though; to create our own. "I'll get married after college, then get pregnant after two years, have another baby two years later, etc, etc." But when do we ask God what His plan is through it all? It's always "when I have enough money," or "when we feel ready enough for the task." We have it so wrong. We need to begin asking HIM what his plan is instead of being completely shocked when his plan comes into play. "But what happened to mine??" Imagine how much would be accomplished through us if we were on his agenda and not our own.
Tonight I rocked Eli to sleep in his chair. He was sound asleep, but I just couldn't put him down. I stared into his sweet, innocent face and I felt God clearly telling me that he is making a place. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that he is making a place for a child to come into our lives. When? I don't know when, I don't know who, and I certainly don't know how, but I do know that as of now I am faithfully praying for this child. As I stared at Eli, questions flooded my mind. If this child is even born yet, and if so, who is holding him or her right now? Who is kissing their boo boo's and wiping their tears? Who is telling them they love them until I get the chance to? Why is all this hitting me now? How is it that God is putting an overwhelming love in my heart for a child that I know nothing about? A love for a child that may not even be born yet, or who may be born years from now.
I'll never understand his ways. I'll never understand how he can accomplish the greatest things through those who seem to be the weakest, or who seem to be in the weakest circumstances, but I know that he is an all powerful God who has a greater plan than we could ever imagine. After all, it's his life and not my own. I am beginning a journey of prayer. Intense, purposeful, disciplined prayer. I believe that he has great plans for our family, and I know he has created us with more love than we can handle for a specific reason.
xo
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6
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